“I’m gonna fuck you guys up the ass and shove my cock down your throats,
yes, you, Aurelius—you fucking cocksucker—and you too, Furius, you faggot!
Just because my verses are tender doesn’t mean
that I’ve gone all soft. Sure, a poet should focus
on writing poetry and not on sex; but does that
mean they can’t write about sex? If a poem is
in good taste, well-written and erotic,
it can give massive boners to hairy old men,
not just to horny teenagers. You think I’m a sissy
just because I write about thousands of kisses?
I’m gonna fuck you guys up the ass and shove my cock down your throats!”
yes, you, Aurelius—you fucking cocksucker—and you too, Furius, you faggot!
Just because my verses are tender doesn’t mean
that I’ve gone all soft. Sure, a poet should focus
on writing poetry and not on sex; but does that
mean they can’t write about sex? If a poem is
in good taste, well-written and erotic,
it can give massive boners to hairy old men,
not just to horny teenagers. You think I’m a sissy
just because I write about thousands of kisses?
I’m gonna fuck you guys up the ass and shove my cock down your throats!”
–
This is allegedly an accurately toned translation of a poem by Catullus, in which he promises to prove he’s not a pussy by fucking his detractors up the ass.
I will read this aloud in my best rap voice if someone promises to mix it with a background track.
I am seriously offering this and hoping someone takes me up on it PLEASE
