Too Much Nick

Do you have a sad playlist? I do. I wrote about it at Gawker but I didn’t say everything I meant to. Here’s what I did say:

I assumed until a few days ago that everyone had a playlist full of sad songs for when they felt really low. I mean I only had two mix CDs in college: Favorite new music, and the sad playlist. I’ve curated that sad playlist (now named “Blue”) for six years. It’s not that I’m a sad person, but a soundtrack soothes me in a time of sharp emotion, and certain songs will always hit me in the chest. I only thought about the playlist recently because I hadn’t played it in so long. In fact, it seemed like the past decade of my life can be told by recalling how often I played it: All the time growing up, to only rarely pulling it out now.

I’ve listened to that playlist a lot lately. Life hasn’t been particularly hard, but emotions have rode high. And most of the songs still feel right. My songs of joy change over the years. Sometimes a song only works for a week and then it’s embarrassing or inappropriate. But the sad songs rarely stop working. I have songs in here I wept to on the edge of a creek in college, and at least one song that made me tear up during my bike ride home in high school. The meaning of each song changes as I find new reasons to be sad. New songs are added that speak to the sorrow I find before first hearing them. These songs express sorrow better than I can, and I am starting to lose hope that I will ever make such beauty out of my darkness. Do all the people who quote sad songs wish they had better words of their own?